Halloween is exactly one week away and if, like me, you’ve never been the most, let’s say, enthusiastic dresser-upper, you may find that the bands of panic are starting to close around your chest about now. I mean: parties, in costume – the expectation! The possibility for disappointment! The basic fact that there’s almost nothing you enjoy less than getting on public transport with green skin and a fake wart the size of a tadpole hanging off your nose! The ritual public humiliation! Oh, it’s all a bit much.
But fear not, friends, for I have the solution here – costumes guaranteed to satisfy your inner killjoy and, as a bonus, irritate your mates as well. Serves them right for inviting you to things they think you might enjoy. You are very welcome.
1) Inner Child / Younger Self
A classic for the committed non-dressed-up dresser-upper. True, it’s not particularly creepy (although you could add a little fake blood to your face to spice it up) but it is technically a costume – and you can wear pyjamas in public, which is always a win in my book.
And no, I don’t mean going full Bruce Wayne, fake abs, huge cape, on it. Wear all black, shove on a half Batman mask and when you get bored, take it off and tell everyone you’re protecting your secret identity.
3) Actually, any superhero
Take the above, apply it to the superhero of your choice. Rinse and repeat. At the rate Marvel is rebooting, you’re guaranteed a different costume every year of your life.
4) Brokeback Mountain
Doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or not. Shove on a cowboy hat, throw a flannel shirt over a pair of jeans and (if you’re really pushing the boat out) pull on some brown boots. Sorted. Bonus points if you can remember which of the two leads you’re supposed to be. Double bonus points if you can squeeze out a tear whenever someone mentions the other one’s name.
5) FBI Agent
Wear a suit. Whenever anyone approaches you, touch your ear and mutter something under your breath about national security, then walk away. The perfect way to get the marks for attending a party without actually having to speak to anyone there.
6) Spy Outfit
Speaking of the secret service, why even both affiliating yourself with an agency at all? Just go rogue and slip into a classic spy outfit: trench coat, sunglasses, newspaper (including optional cutouts for eye holes). Minimum effort, maximum recognisability. May not irritate your friends as much as you were hoping, but will avoid awkward ‘and what have you come as?’ conversations. For the covert non-dresser-upper.
Contrary to popular belief, the least effort requiring costume of all. Wear whatever the hell you like, tell everyone you’re an alien and when they tell you that that’s not what aliens look like, ask them to provide the proof. Guaranteed to make you the least popular person in the near surroundings within five minutes.
Go give ‘em hell, kids.